Losing my direction

This morning,
I argued with my mom when he take me to school
she said that she was tired and heartbroken to speak with me..
She cried in the moment
actually I dont want it,
I continue my speaking
but it just make it more complicated
the more I talk,the more we fought
actually my heart feel disapointed too
there's a pain with a fret in my heart..

My heart feel doesnt right..
feel complicated,
actually i want to isolate myself at the time
coz when i feel complicated
i want to be left alone..
but i must go to school,
it is my duty..
an annoying duty
it's sucks..

i went home..
my mom seems dont care..
no one care..
i hate myself sometimes in this life..
seems like no one care about me..

I dont want to make a smile
bcoz deep inside i have a disapointment..

when my parents practice..
I smoking alone outside..
actually when i first smoking,
i felt scared,and feel guilty..
i dont want to be an active smoker..
i dont want to be an addict..

I know it is wrong..
and
it is bad,but i felt soo disapointed in my heart..
really annoying me..
seems like the disapointment makes me to close my ears..
it makes me feel that im the most "right" person..
although i know i am wrong..
it makes me stubborn..
yes really2 stubborn..
seems like it is the reason to do a bad thing..

i dont want to be an active smoker..
i dont want to be an addict..

but now at the time
I dont see any point in my life,
dont have a point of interest in my life..
dont have an objective,
i lost my direction..

i dont want to blame my parents..
they born me..
they take care me

I dont want to hate my parents
but not that easy,
actually it is easy to said,but hard to feel..
the feeling deep inside of my heart..
that not easy to go away..

im tired..

it just
now I hate myself..